Trail Ghosts

I ran my first timed trail race last night. I’ve run many races before, but never trail races.

I should back up. Three weeks ago (exactly three weeks ago) I went through a life event that spurred a need for mental clarity. So, what better way to do that than to sign up for a 21k Trail Race in the mountains of West Virginia -right?!

So this Race last night was a 3 miler in Rocky River Reservation. I’ve signed up for a few smaller trail races as I work my way up and train for the 21k which is at the end of August.

My first 5k I ever ran, I trained with my boyfriend at the time. Adam. We crossed the finish line, and a desire in me was rooted that day. The community. The people. The breath. The movement. I’ve you’ve never ran in an event like a timed race, it’s hard to describe the vibes to other people. One of my favorite race moments was during the Cleveland Marathon 2016 (my first full marathon). It was probably in the first 4-5 miles because the crowd was still pretty thick. It was a cool day for May (go figure CLE), so many runners had on jackets. We crossed under a bridge, and all you could hear was the collective “swoosh-swoosh, swoosh-shwoosh” from everyone’s cadence. I looked around and saw everyone’s determined face. I thought about all the training all of us runners did to get to that point. All of the literal blood, sweat, and tears we worked through to get to the starting line. It was moving to me.

I lost Adam 2008. He was in a terrible car crash. It was a moment that changed my life forever. It also left a gaping hole in my heart.

I didn’t run for a long time after Adam’s death. The first 5k I ran a few years after was sad. I felt empty when I crossed the finish line.

Through the years however, the heart has a way of healing itself. I grew as a person, forged many new friendships and relationships. Some challenging, some fruitful. I got the bug to run longer distances. Every race completion came with me signing up for a bigger, more challenging race.

Unitl the Cleveland Marathon. After that, I kind of felt like, ok, I did it all. By that time I was heavy in my new obsession of tennis. I retired my running shoes for the time being.

As fate would have it though, I ran the Spartan Race about 2 months ago. On a whim, just for a fun crazy challenge. And I ran it with one of the most important people in my life. Or so I thought.

What happened at Spartan though, is there’s a ton of trail running. I’d never really put in miles on the trail. Marathon training was all the streets of Seven Hills, or the Towpath. And something was rooted again - I loved being out on that trail. In the woods. The trees. The fresh air. Just one foot in front of the other, padding from the soft earth, and my thoughts.

I believe it’s also fate that shortly after Spartan I began listening the wonderful Podcast called, “The Sugarstride Podcast”. It’s about Ultra trail running. I’m talking 100+ mile races. It was feeding my new found love of this magical thing called trail running.

I believe it’s fate because I need the trail right now. Three weeks ago a relationship in my life ended suddenly in a way. In other ways, it was unsurprisingly typical in behavioral trends I should have cut out of my life a long time ago.

So I run. And I sign up for big challenges. Alone. Ones that allow me to be in the forest. To sweat out anger. To cry. It mixes right in with the salty sweat anyway. To achieve everything I’m capable of and more. And to allow myself to feel happy and proud, instead of shrinking as to not make certain people around me uncomfortable.

It’s time for big things. It’s time for happiness and laughter. Playing small is no longer an option.

XO-MB